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Healthy Lines of Communication

The great thing about residence halls is that you can establish very tight bonds. The downside is that people can also know a bit too much about your personal business. This is why it's important for you and your roommate establish healthy lines of communication.

Learning to talk directly with your roommate, especially if you aren't close, can be tough. How do you approach certain topics? How do you stand up for yourself without putting them down? Some tips:

• Use "I" statements. Saying, "I felt upset when I didn't get the message that my mother called" is very different from saying, "You upset me when you didn't give me my mother's message." Taking ownership of your feelings removes blame and helps your roommate to be less defensive. In return, they'll be more receptive.
• Maintain eye contact. Looking directly at your roommate while you explain your perspective strengthens your message. Eye contact communicates connectedness, assertiveness and confidence in your words.
• Keep it between you two. Don't rely on other friends to tell your roommate why you're upset. Receiving blame from an outside source is sure to put your roommate on the defensive. Problems should be kept between the two of you unless you need professional assistance (i.e. your RA, a counselor, etc.) to work things out.
• Avoid gossip. Make sure you're not fueling the rumor mill by talking behind your roommate's back. Steer clear of hearsay and go directly to the source.

The Art of Compromise

Ah, yes, roommates probably invented the need to compromise! Sharing a space requires flexibility and equal consideration. Talk about some of these things before a situation requiring compromise arises:

• I'll assert myself in situations where…
• I feel taken advantage of when...
• What compromise means to me is...

The majority of roommate conflicts occur when communication breaks down. Be proactive and strive to discuss issues in way that's healthy and effective. Some tips:

• Agree to disagree. A difference in opinion can be fine, as long as you choose to respect one another's perspectives. Don't pass judgment. There are usually at least two sides to an issue.
• Talk it through. Inevitably, you'll be displeased with something your roommate does and vice versa. Commit to working it out verbally. Don't talk behind one another's backs. It will only lead to more hurt feelings. 
• Leave messages. You will have to rely on each other for communication with "the outside world," too. Agree on what to do with phone calls, verbal "stop-bys" and door board messages. Less will get lost in the shuffle this way.

Anger Management

There are times when you and your roommate will get on each other's last nerve. Holding it in or blowing up are definitely not the answers. That's why learning to manage your anger is so important. Consider the following suggestions when conflict arises:

• Don't argue in the heat of the moment. You're bound to say things you'll regret. Cool off to get your thoughts together and you'll wind up being much more rational and productive.
• Use "I" statements to relay how you are feeling about the situation.
• Enlist the help of a mediator. If you and your roommate can't resolve an issue peacefully, ask your RA or a peer mediator for assistance.
• If you feel physically threatened, walk away.

Passions and Peeves

Finding out what is important to one another helps roommates better understand each other. What is your roommate passionate about? What are some of their pet peeves? Discuss some of the topics below to discover more about who your roommate really is:

• A few things that really annoy me are …
• Some of the things I feel passionately about are …
• When I am angry, I show it by …
• I tend to … when jokes or derogatory comments are made about other people.
• I feel … about having overnight guests.
• A few touchy subjects with me include …
• Smoking is …
• I feel that alcohol and other drugs are …
• When I'm stressed or feeling lots of pressure, I'll show it by …
• I feel … about discussing …

Differences

Differences are one of the key ways we learn from others. Your world is going to open up as you get to know more about what makes your roommate unique. Make yourself open to this valuable type of learning! How much do you know about your roommate's background? How much does she know about yours? To truly understand where each of us is coming from, it is important to share information with one another:

• My cultural background is …
• My faith life involves ...
• My lifestyle choices include (abstaining from alcohol, vegetarianism, etc.) ...
• Things I've experienced due to my cultural, lifestyle or spiritual background include …

College life can be tough at times. Your roommate may experience difficulty, and the natural human tendency is to jump in and help. However, it is important to recognize your limitations when it comes to this. You want to make sure you are doing what is best for your roommate and yourself!

Resources for Serious Issues